a roof over my head...

Right now I'm experiencing some stress with my living situation for next school year. It's awful. I hate not knowing, and I honestly don't know what the best solution is. I'm pulling the God-card on myself when I say this, but my thoughts go back to that precious country of Haiti and the awful living situations there. Sometimes I wish that my house was a mud hut or a tarp tent and I didn't have to think about paying rent, but honestly, God has blessed me with so much here, why worry? He's given me three awesome close friends who won't hate me if we have to live in shoe boxes (Tower Village) on campus next year if I can't afford rent. He's given me the opportunity to go to school in the first place. He will provide if He wants me here. This brings me back to Haiti. They live their lives day-to-day, not worried about the future. What reason do I have to stressed and anxious?

The tents people are living in after the earthquake 

Using the new toothbrushes we gave them! 

anger, confusion, and more anger

Do you ever wish you could just be angry, all the time? You may not (and usually I don't either), but right now all I want to do is be angry. Why can't people just leave me alone? Why can't people just be mature? Why do people need so much from me? Why can't I feel better about myself? Why does my past have to control me? Why is school so hard? Why do I feel like I have to constantly prove myself? Why isn't summer here already? Why do I get so overwhelmed by my sin? Why doesn't God always make Himself known in my life? Why can't I feel Him right now? Why have I been on the verge of tears for the past 8 hours? Why is my skin so dry it's bleeding? Why is your situation always worse than mine? Why does my life feel like a catch-22? Why do I feel incredibly happy and sad about my life right now? Why can't the weather make up its mind? Why do I have 4 exams in the same week? Why do my problems seem so trivial at times and then the end of the world at others? Why can't I sleep at night even though I'm beyond exhaustion? Why don't I want to talk to anyone about it? Why can't people be consistent? Why do I have so many questions?
I don't even know where to begin. It seems so appealing to just be angry and not make any effort to do anything about it. I'm finding that I'm getting angry at things that have never made me (and shouldn't make me) angry before. I don't even know if it's really anger, or if that's just what I'm labeling it as since I don't even know why I'm truly feeling this way. Is there a purpose in me feeling this way? Yes, you could pull the God-card and say that He's using this situation to mold and shape me in some way. And yes, I know that He is working in me in some way, but I honestly don't feel it right now. I just want to listen to sappy, pitiful music and cry and sulk in my own self-pity, and that's awful. Where do I go from here? How do I get out of this funk? Why am I even in a funk? My life isn't going down the toilet, it's actually pretty great, but I can't see it that way. I have so much to be thankful for, yet my mind can't get past this anger and confusion as to why I am actually angry.

a need for community

Yesterday was a spectacular day! Not only did I spent quite a bit of quality time with my Creator, I also joined the local church I've been attending while at school! How awesome is that?! My first year of college was solely focused on my personal relationship with the Lord, which was great at the time because it's definitely what I needed, but after a long process of coming back, I felt the need to experience the worship of my Savior with a community of people I was a part of. Even though I loved the church I was currently attending, I wasn't plugged in at all. This is where Jenna (my awesome roommate) and Hope Chapel come in. When I expressed wanting a church community she eagerly invited me to go to Hope with her and after the first service I attended I knew that God had answered my prayers point-blank. It has been an awesome (like God-awesome) experience getting to know people in the church and getting involved in community group and a women's ministry. God has once again (as always) blown me away with His awesome timing that is in NO way formed around my perceptions of time. I'm excited about what He's gonna bring in the future through this awesome church community! His plans are perfect, sometimes we just need to be broken to understand.

the beauty in rising

So I've just been home, and although I was there for 4 days, I didn't have time to make it down to the beach. Tragic, I know. There is just something about the stillness of the beach in the winter that calms the soul. My favorite part is watching the sunrise. Lately there have been more downs than ups in my life and it's a bit discouraging. But one thing that God is constantly reminding me of is that He hasn't, nor will He ever leave me...wow. Although I can say that without hesitation, believing wholeheartedly is a completely different story. Such an elementary principle, but really, each day is new and His promises are new every morning. It's my choice to either be overwhelmed and taken down by the frustrations of life, or to rise up to the awesome occasion and calling of living for my Creator despite my circumstances! It's a daunting task, but it's accompanied with His promises which never fail. How sweet a thought. That's the beauty of a sunrise.

This picture was taken by WBLiveSurf on January 28, 2011

living for a big reason

"Life is difficult, Jeremiah. Are you going to quit a the first wave of opposition? Are you going to retreat when you find that there is more to life than finding three meals a day and a dry place to sleep at night? Are you going to run home the minute you find that the mass of men and women are more interested in keeping their feet warm than in living at risk to the glory of God? Are you going to live cautiously or courageously? I called you to live at your best, to pursue righteousness, to sustain a drive toward excellence. It is easier, I know, to be neurotic. It is easier to be parasitic. It is easier to relax in the embracing arms of The Average. Easier, but not better. Easier, but not more significant. Easier, but not more fulfilling. I called you to a life of purpose far beyond what you think yourself capable of living and promised you adequate strength to fulfill your destiny. Now at the first sign of difficulty you are ready to quit. If you are fatigued by this run-of-the-mill crowd of apathetic mediocrities, what will you do when the real race starts, the race with the swift and determined horses of excellence? What is it you really want, Jeremiah, do you want to shuffle along with the crowd, or run with the horses?"

Right now I'm reading an excellent book called Run With the Horses by Eugene H. Peterson. It's based on the book of Jeremiah in the Old Testament and this quote comes from the first chapter. Recently I've been thinking and praying about changing  my major from biology to psychology because I feel that is where God is calling me. I love natural science and find it fascinating to study, but I'm finding that I'm relating more to the social sciences. God has been reiterating through quotes and such that He has called me to live a full life for Him. He doesn't want me settling for something I'm just good at. He has HUGE plans for me, and I should be eagerly pursuing His will every day. Psychology will be more difficult than biology, and will require more school and training. But God doesn't promise his children a life without pain, but that He will always be right there with us, no matter where we go. He doesn't call us to these hard lives of persecution for His glory, and then leave us to struggle on our own. He's not remote, He's near; and this gives me the strength to follow Him into the unknown, knowing He's already been there and He will never leave my side.